Saturday, August 29, 2009

Still Alive

The miserable have no other medicine
But only hope:
I've hope to live, and am prepared to die.
-- William Shakespeare, Measure For Measure (Act III, scene I)

Life and death have blended into an indistinguishable whole, just as night and day lose their dichotomy after several sleepless nights. The unrelentingly recurring, unnerving systemic assault on the brain—coupled with the absence of faith in the alleviation of the pain—has inevitably left me entertaining the thought of suicide. I want to reflect on what keeps me alive in those darkest of times. I believe it is the thread of hope—the desire to be well and happy, and the desire to return to that state of enjoyment of life.

Another reason is because I see an abundance of corruption, ignorance, and suffering in the world. And it is this feeling of responsibility to this world, which stems from my awareness of these sources of misery—the ability to understand and address them—that motivates me to stay alive so that I may improve the quality of the lives of those who suffer in vain.

It is difficult not to consider the rationality of suicide in my situation. It is curious that death does not relieve pain, because relief can only be felt while remaining alive. So dying to relieve suffering seems oxymoronic. I am concerned about the potential negative implications that my abrupt death will bring. I don't want to cause pain to those close to me.

"All this I realized was more than I could ever abandon, even as what I had set out so deliberately to do was more than I could inflict on those memories, and upon those, so close to me, with whom the memories were bound."
-- William Styron, Darkness Visible

People who have survived great difficulties and went on to accomplish great feats are a significant source of inspiration to me. I hope that once I overcome depression, I will have a more complete understanding of life, which would help me with my pursuit of a better world.

It is this knowledge—the hope for the better—that gives me the strength to go on.

Oh, I must hold on
Oh, I won't be gone
Oh, I won't stop now
Oh, I don't know how
-- Korn, Here It Comes Again

No comments:

Post a Comment