Saturday, November 12, 2011

Fuck Me And Everybody Else

I feel lonely. I feel like everyone around me is emotionally detaching themselves from me because I am graduating and moving back to my hometown. It's like I'm dying and they want to forget about me because they don't want to get hurt. Except it's even worse than if I were dying, because if I were dying people would feel sympathy and keep me company despite the pain that it would bring them. But since I'm only moving away, they have conveniently disposed of me. But what about me? I need intimacy. I need friends.

And all this happens at the perfect time, when, after two years of burning in literal hell that is depression, I finally feel happy enough, strong enough, and confident enough to ask a girl out. So I ask her out and she rejects me. This hurts. I wish she didn't reject me and instead wanted to hang out with me. I wish that when I told people I had depression the conversation didn't lose all of its momentum and people didn't become quiet, avoid eye contact, and wanted to get away all of a sudden. I already did my time, locked inside my own mind, but even now that I am free I am forced to pay the price of social ostracizing.

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People say that even in your darkest moments, if you reach out, you will find help. Well, I'm here, in my darkest moment, standing in front of you, my friend, asking you to help me. And you say that you cannot help me. So what am I supposed to do?! My friends have failed me. Help is denied to me when I directly ask for it. There is nowhere else for me to go. This is bottomless hopelessness. The world has failed me. Humanity has failed me and all that's left for me to do is break. I feel such intense pain totally unknown to normal experience. You all have condemned me to this by ignoring me. And all you who have rejected me and thereby hurt me, who did not help me through the pain you caused, did not do your part in damage control, even if it was collateral. All of you are just as responsible as those who refused to help me, and even worse, because you perpetrated the pain that led me to necessitate others' help. Your inaction is your crime. I hope you have the least bit of humanity in you to feel remorse for what you did and failed to do. After all, there is no taking back all the pain I went through, pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. If you only saw the extent of my pain, you wouldn't think twice before doing everything in your power to help me. Don't you see the torture that you put me through? Answer me! Don't you?!

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