Saturday, February 25, 2012

My Diagnosis

Diagnosis: chronic early-onset atypical depression


Atypical Depression characteristics:
  • Leaden paralysis
  • Sensitivity to rejection
  • Difficulty forming relationships
  • Social anxiety
Leaden Paralysis characteristics:
  • carrying a 50-pound backpack everywhere
  • always walking uphill
  • hard to breath
  • full-time exhaustion
A sensation known as "laden paralysis". I felt the persistent pressure of a hundred pounds on every inch of my body. It was difficult to move or breath, the air felt as viscous as honey. My mere existence took the quality of heaviness. It is the sensation of always walking uphill, as if carrying an non-detachable 50-pound backpack with me at all times. Whenever I walked on the street I was overcome by a strong urge to lie down right there in the middle of the side walk. My exhaustion tramped any care of what others might think. But I knew that even this would not take away my exhaustion, which was omnipresent. Afterward I felt levity.

Excerpts from my journal:

October 29, 2008 10:51 PM

Today my psychological counselor told me I have depression. I don't know why, but I felt relieved and a little happy. It's like all my anxiety and morbid thoughts had been validated. I even wonder if I had the factitious disorder because finding out you have depression should not feel so relieving. 

I hope I will not internalize this thought and it wont affect me negatively.

I also read that feeling depressed has positive aspects--creates compassion.

Symptoms: 
  • Self-doubt
  • Feelings of worthlessness
  • Feelings of loneliness and isolation
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Meaninglessness
August 26, 2008 8:50 PM

I can't think straight, I'm confused and having crazy thoughts, like questioning my gender and sexual orientation, imagining crazy subconscious motives for my actions. I'm experiencing extreme vacillations in feelings in a short period of time. I'm feeling bad for social mistakes that I made which made the situation awkward.

This is a particular state which I can't figure out. it makes me feel absolutely hopeless. It has something to do with being accepted by a circle of friends. Why do I get so fucked up?

Who am I? Sometimes I feel like I'm living without a purpose. Having apocalyptic thoughts. I can't find a base, everything is a distraction from this vacuum.


Symptoms: 
  • Self-blame and feelings of excessive guilt
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Feeling exhausted
  • Feeling down for most part of every day

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